The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
