dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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