i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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