i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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