boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
