The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Randomize
