dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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