Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
