ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
