Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
