you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
