Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
