how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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