I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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