The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
