hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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