so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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