Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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