when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
