i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
