dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
