the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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