when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
