Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
