R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
