Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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