I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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