I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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