I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Be still, my beating vagina.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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