Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
