girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
