At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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