i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
