what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
