Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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