This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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