Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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