Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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