I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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