So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
