What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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