I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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