I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
