u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
