No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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