So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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