i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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