LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
