Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
