we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
